Divorce advice for men comes in many various different forms. I find that frequently the advice for men going through divorce is all about how to WIN a divorce in fact. Now I have a small problem with this in that no one really wins in a divorce, everyone loses something – but you can turn it into a spiritual and emotional gain in time as well. The focus on winning a divorce however is just unhealthy when it is phrased as such.
What I mean is that protecting yourself and your assets and your children are all important and even noble goals – but do not think in terms of winning and losing, just think about what is best for your kids, and for your future without the need to “punish” your ex. I fully understand that many divorces are ugly though and men need to take some drastic measures to make sure an angry, vindictive, or simply horrible ex-wife does not leave them destitute. This is just half the battle though …
The other half as you might have guessed if you read the rest of my site is about the emotional battle a man must fight with his own psyche. This sort of divorce advice for men is something I am more comfortable in giving information on as I believe that the long term effects of being psychologically healthy far outweighs the “winning” of a divorce.
Get to the point man!
OK, I realise I am rambling a bit here but the point I wanted to make is that the best advice for men during and after divorce takes into account both of these aspects. As such here are a few important tidbits of divorce advice for men I think should help in both cases.
Control Your Anger
Anger is a destroyer of all logical and rational thought. Anger leads you down paths that are very dangerous ground for your mentally, and they will cause you to say and do things that you do not mean, or that are highly detrimental to conducting a divorce that leaves you in a good position for the rest of your life. The thing is, for a short moment when we get angry and let it out, that outburst feels so freeing, so good, so right – but only in the heat of the moment. After, you will feel miserable and low, and you will probably have given your ex-wife and the courts more ammunition to paint you as a bad father and a bad man no matter how terrible your ex was to you. This is not fair, but it is the way it is so you need to deal with it.
If you are feeling angry, just walk away. Tell your ex, or whoever you are talking with that you need to go and calm down and just do it. You can vent that anger in other ways away form anyone else to cool down and relieve the stress. Just walk away from the fight because being goaded into one is exactly the confrontation an angry woman wants from you to help HER “win” the divorce. Anger control is fundamental to being happier and moving on from divorce, and leaving the divorce with your finances in tact.
Keep a Diary
Divorce is a turbulent time. Often you can become so overwhelmed with change, emotional turmoil, and lawyers and litigation, that you can lose track of a great many things personally, professionally, and financially. Being able to keep track of your thoughts, your finances, your job, and everything else is very important because your own mind cannot be trusted at this point whereas pen and paper do not lie.
There are many uses for a diary:
- Writing down your thoughts and emotions. This can be useful to review later (see next point) and also to give you a release of all those built up stresses and burdens. It can be a way to order your thoughts, to see how far you have come, to see if things are getting worse or better, and to be the collector of this part of your life. Some people burn their bad thoughts as a symbolic way of letting go in fact …
- Keeping a Budget. This is pretty vital at this financially risky point in time. Make sure you keep an eye on all your payments, all your income, all outgoping expenses and so on. Also use it to project what money you will need into the future. You need to start planning your financial future as a divorced man now and it is never too early to start.
- To do lists. Stay organised! Keep a to do list and keep on top of it. If you miss a court date, or a meeting with a lawyer, or miss picking up your kid from school or ANYTHING – this might be used against you to prove you are not a suitable father perhaps. Stay on target and keep your to do list tight and get through them all in a day!
- Keep track of what your ex says and does. By keeping a track of what your ex says and does you can keep a record that might be useful in court if she is trying to blackmail you, or force you into a corner. Not as powerful as recordings, but if you have a diary of all interactions you are much more prepared.
Evaluate Your Position
Remember as you hurtle along this rocky road to stop and look at yourself every now and then. I do not mean in a mirror though, I mean into your psyche, the who you are and where you are going. This is where a diary can be handy, to go back and see how you were doping, and compare it to how you are feeling now. Some guys will write down their feelings every night before they sleep and review it in the morning. If they feel the same way in the morning it must be something they need to work through. If not, it might not be that important and a sleep took that edge off.
I hope this divorce advice for men article has covered enough ground if you are a guy struggling with separation and divorce. If you want more information on dealing with the legalities and keeping your shirt on your back I highly recommended this e-book that has helped many men keep their heads above water financially, and keep their kids. However, I feel this e-book by Kyle Morrison might be even more beneficial as it tackles the core issues that affects all men after divorce – the psychological ones to do with grief, anger, depression, coping – and finally moving on from divorce.