Sticky: Struggling & Need Some Divorce Advice Guys?

divorce advice for menIf so, I am glad you found my little website as I have been through the same thing and want to help if I can because I hate seeing so little support for men recovering from divorce. The terrible loss of masculinity of purpose, of love and support; divorce really hits a man hard and it is rarely acknowledged so this site with divorce advice for men is my way of helping.

That is why I made this site – and that is why I wanted to quickly mention a resource that might help more than my bits an pieces of divorce advice for men also.

You see, recently I found yet another man who had been through the god awful shit of post divorce life and like many, had his fair share of difficulties. The difference between this man and others is that he has chosen to take the step to create a unique resource just for men to overcome the emotional destruction of divorce and come out the other side better for it.

This man’s name is Kyle Morrison and the resource he has written is an e-book called Men After Divorce – A Guide for Surviving Life after Separation & Divorce. I found Kyle’s website and was curious to know what his thoughts on divorce recovery were so I downloaded a copy of the guide and was really surprised. I have seen a few other resources like this around and most of them are pretty light on and don’t really tell you all that much. Men After Divorce however hits the nail on the head in my opinion. In fact, I have learned a few new things about myself and my divorce that I never really figured out properly before.

I really think a lot of guys who are having trouble coping with divorce can get a lot out of reading this e-book. Like anything, it might not be exactly what you need in terms of divorce advice for men, but if you just get a few things out of it that help you put your divorce behind you and become happy again, it’s worth it I reckon.

If you are looking for something that will give you a roadmap out of an awful post divorce life, click below to check out Kyle’s site. Or click here to read my full review of the e-book for more information.

Men After Divorce Official Website

~Larry

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21 Responses

  1. Richard S. says:

    I will tell you that I never wanted a Divorce.
    Even told her that the day we had to stand before
    the Judge. We had one child and the only way
    I agreed is that I got full custody (in OHIO note that Men 99 percent always never get custody) and Paid NO Support. The deal was her
    new boyfriend got to walk away, etc.

    She knew I meant every word but it has still been
    hard for me to deal with every day. Especially
    very late at night when I often wish it could be
    the one thing I could go back in time and change
    forever.

    To this day, I still miss her and always will.

  2. Larry Milton says:

    Hi Richard,

    I know how you feel and I do not think any man after a divorce ever completely forgets the whole process. I do know it can be overcome though and not bother you as much but it takes time and a lot of introspection.

    The way I think of things now is that the past is unchangeable, the only thing I have control over is my own actions, not my feelings mind you – but my actions. Therefore I can only control what I do to influence the future. The past is gone and cannot be changed therefore I cannot let it bother me, I only worry about what I must do each day now and that helps!

  3. Edgar of New York says:

    I dont know how you can posibly recover form this sort of shit. It has been nearly a year now for me after my divorce. Was married 14 years, 3 days before our 15th anniversary she dropped the bomb and said she wanted a divorce and had been having an affair.

    I waver between absolute rage and deep depression. I am lucky i think we never had kids (we had been trying). I have never been soemone to get angry or overly sad even when my mother died I was stoic fort he sake of the my 2 sisters. Now I cannot control my emotions or mind and i feel like I am going insane!

  4. Larry Milton says:

    Hi Edgar,
    It would be cliché of me to say that time heals all – but time does allow us to get over these things in the end. However, time itself is not what eases the pain – it is the mental readjustment we do in this time that counts.
    It comes down to being able to let go not of your marriage and your ex-wife, but letting go of the old you – which begs the question what the “new” you is.
    This is the opportunity that comes from the disaster of divorce; we can all reinvent ourselves and find out what we really want – and who we really are.
    It is time to be selfish, but in a good way. To focus on your own life as it is going forward without thinking about your old life.

  5. Mike says:

    hello,
    I ‘m an MD in belgium. My wife told me 3 months she wants to be friends, two weeks later said she wants divorce. 8 years marriage, 2 kids.
    Can’t concentrate any more, feel extremely depresses, as if driving in fog all the time. Still living in het same house , she will leave in 3 months. She has another lover !
    She ignores me in the house, only talks in short sentences, for max 20 sec. Sits always in another room. Because of this only sleep for 3hours, and adrenaline rushes trough my veins all the time. sometimes feels like I am going insane, then subsides after a few hours. As a medical doctor I nerver thought feelings could run that deep/ Q/ could you put a time on this ? Already 2 months now like desperate searching for a way out. Any advice for me ?
    thanks

  6. Larry Milton says:

    Hi Mike,

    The first bit of advice I give to any guy going through a divorce is not to focus on your wife or ex-wife as it is. All that external influence is not what makes you feel so awful, it is how you handle it internally that counts.

    Firstly though, you need to take one important step – either she moves out, or you do. You CANNOT live in the same how as her while she has a new lover. This will make it really hard to focus on your own internal conflicts because she is there to draw your attention back to the external ones.

    There is no time limit on how long it takes to get over divorce. The more important thing is what you are doing every day to step yourself closer to recovery.

    It is not going to be easy, I will not lie, but it can get better faster if you always have small goals to achieve each step of the way. First things first is yo need your own space to think about who you are – not who you were, not who you think you are – but who you really are and who you want to be very soon.

    Divorce is life changing; you have the choice to make it a change for the better.

    Good luck!

  7. martin says:

    My marriage blew up Feb 2009 (found an email from my wife to her boyfriend). Divorce was final June 2010. I have primary custody of an autistic daughter.

    My situation is unique. BUT, for all those guys going through the drek of divorce — time heals. Things will get better, if only because with the passage of time, your mind will get clearer.

    I had a lady who has been divorced that told me it took a good three years to get your head completely back. I’m going on my second one (i count from when my marriage exploded). First year was like life was a part of divorce; this second year — and only in the past couple of months — has all the anger, worry, jealousy, hatred, etc. (you guys who have been fooled around on know what i’m talking about) has this all STARTED TO REALLY FADE AWAY.

    Time heals. Have courage.

  8. Larry Milton says:

    Hi Martin,
    Thank for those words of encouragement. You are spot on – time heals, and it heals faster if you understand your own emotions and mind after divorce.

  9. Sharon says:

    Hi there, this is a stretch for me as I am a woman seeking help for a friend. He is lost, depressed, sad, feeling like he was burned financially. Every time he recieves a letter from the lawyer with more fees with finalization of financial circumstances or request for his last child support fees he spiral downward back into his dark hole and drinks himself to oblivian. He has no value in who he is until he speaks with either myself or another friend (woman) that is going through a similiar situation. They vent to each other to allow release. She isn’t available at this time. I would like to know of some resources that I can suggest or encourage him to call. I look forward to hearing from you at your earliest convenience. Many thanks for this website!

  10. Larry Milton says:

    Hi Sharon,
    It is a tough task helping a friend through this kind of situation that is for sure. The author of the Men After Divorce guide I promote on this site wrote a post on his blog about this – maybe it can help you?

    How to help a friend going through divorce

  11. Olivia says:

    Hi Larry,
    I am a woman and been through divorce myself (Dec 2009), and only now I feel completely ready to love again and put the past behind once and for all.

    A couple of months ago, I have met a man who I believe is my real “other half”, my twin flame. He is the first man I allow into my life after my divorce; there is a real strong and mutual connection between us and I feel completely surrendered. However, he is going through a very difficult time of his life.

    He is the divorcee of an 8 year-marriage; the final divorce was issued in Dec 2010. The ex left him to be with another man, who gave her everything he did not give her during their years together.
    He wants to bury this past to start a new chapter in his life, to find strength to start a relationship with me and find happiness again. To make things worse, he is not happy professionaly and feels completely disconnected from the world, not finding satisfaction in anything – despite feeling desire and passion, he cannot find happiness.

    I am completely understanding of his moment and am giving him the time and space needed, as these were crucial for me to heal as well. My only concern at this stage is, will he ever be truly ready for me, as I am for him?

    Thank you and congrats on the initiative!

  12. Larry Milton says:

    Hi Olivia,
    There is always the opportunity for men and women to heal from divorce and find love and happiness again. Your man sounds like myself and so many other guys who struggle through divorce recovery – but know it does pass for most men depending on how well they arm themselves for the recovery process.

    This disconnection and dissatisfaction with the world comes from a readjustment to a new life after 8 years of building an identity as a husband – after this all efforts in life are no longer connected to this identity and so feel unfulfilling. Some men need to change direction, others just need to change how they look and feel about what they do.

    If he is interested check out the Men After Divorce eBook – it explains it better than I can. Just make sure you are there to support him when he needs it though and never give up hope!

  13. Ambrose says:

    Snowflakes are one of nature’s most fragile things, but just look what they can do when they stick together.

  14. Joshua says:

    Hello everyone,
    I feel alittle better after having found this site. Knowing others have and are struggling through this helps. Its just I feel at the end of my rope.

    Im from a broken home and I wanted to make a great family with my wife. Its been rough since we were married though. I moved alot for my job though we didn’t have much money and then I was laid off. We had to live with my mother for almost two years while I was doing a career change. We had our son right before we had to move it though.

    We have been married 5 years this august, Im only 26. Our son just turned two and we have been out on our own since august of this year. My wife told me last night that she is done. She wants to leave me. She said its due to always having been unhappy and that she was too young when we got married. Plus she says that Im not the person that she needs, that i don’t support her or listen. Which is a bit of a shock since I have always tried communicating with her and she never showed the initiative either. I offered counseling but she doesn’t want to work on it. She wants to travel and be independent without anything tieing her down.

    Im not sure what to do. I feel lost. I love being a father and husband. I just never knew that I wasn’t good at being a husband. The sickening thing is she was talking about having another baby in november and we had started trying. I don’t want to lose her and I don’t know what to do.

    What options do I have? Am I a terrible person? Am I unsuitable as a mate to women? Am I a failure? I just really thought that we were in a different place and that we were happy. At least I was.

  15. Larry Milton says:

    Hi Joshua,
    You are NOT a terrible person, not an unsuitable husband, nor a failure. However these thoughts plague every guy going through divorce so I hope it does help to say you are not alone in this.

    Those thoughts come from a serious shock to your self esteem and your ego – your view of yourself in the world. Us men take it very hard and look for anything we can do to fix a problem and if it seems like it cannot be fixed we put that down to our own incompetence even if this is not the case – you cannot fix everything.

    In fact, the only thing anyone has control over in their lives is how they act and deal with problems – you cannot change someone else or fix them – ever.

    Now this sounds fairly fresh so I actually hope this is not going to end in divorce fro you Josh, but women have a very good way of making these decisions a long time ago and emotionally shutting you off until this point.

    However, I also think it is a bit rich she doesn’t want to be tied down by anything when you both have a young child together!

    She sounds like she does not know what she wants. MY advice to you is to look inside yourself and find out what YOU really want. This is not selfish, this is laying the groundwork for your future right now with or without her.

    Whatever you do, remember you are NEVER a failure if you never give up trying … each time you fall dust yourself off and get back on the road with a lesson learned.

    Wishing you all the best Josh.

  16. Divorce says:

    Divorce and separation means change and events happening that are out of your control. You can embrace the change and look forward to a new beginning. Perhaps a change in career as well as marital status – lots of people use forced change to implement wanted change as well.

  17. Larry Milton says:

    Every door that closes opens another, you just need to search and open your eyes to find it. Thanks for the comment!

  18. Patrick says:

    Larry,

    It is great that you are trying to help others during a difficult transition in their lives. I’m still on the journey to recovery. Sometimes I’m downright miserable and other times I see a light at the end of the tunnel. I read the e-book earlier this evening and the concept that I am going to try and keep in the forefront of my mind is self-respect. I had it before my marriage and during most of the marriage. I lost it for a period of time after but I’m trying to regain it.

    A couple of challenges for me that other readers may also have are:

    What do you do when your ex is disrespectful and is mean to you or constantly needs to find fault with you?

    How do you deal with the constant challenges of having different approaches or expectations for your children than your ex?

  19. Larry Milton says:

    Hi Patrick,

    Thanks and no problems at all, I really hope my little site has helped even just a few guys to cope better. I know it must be a rough time for you but I am really glad you latched onto that idea of self respect – even if it is hard to hold close to your heart sometimes, as long as you really know that’s what you have to achieve this is a strong bit of knowledge.

    1. This can be extremely aggravating and humiliating. However the trick is to really understand why they are saying such things. It is not because they are true, it is because they do it to try to elicit some power over you – either by making us angry so whatever fruitful discussion might have been going your way is lost because you blow up, or you submit to make it stop. When you can let that stuff wash over you and not engage with it they will see there is no point in doing it either. Sticks and stones my friend, it is HER problem not yours!

    2. Children, this is a really tough one and I do not want to sound like I have the answer because luckily that was one thing my ex and myself generally agreed on .. most of the time … The high road is to always make sure you never use kids as pawns in any sort of struggle. The problem is you cannot change them, all you can do is have your own point of view and try to reach some sort of compromise – but this involves making sure he discussions are civil. This and always make sure to let your kids know that you love them, but that you and their mother have different views on life and neither are right or wrong, just different opinions. They will come to realise they have the power to choose their own path in time. I know that answer might be a bit wishy washy but that is how I explained it to my kids.

    I hope that helps Pat!

  20. Paul says:

    Larry,

    I just came across your web site. Really good information.

    My wife had me arrested while sleeping next to her back in june of 2012. It has been a total disaster since. we where going to a marriage counsler before all the shit hit the fan, she told the counsler she was crazy, counsler diagnosed her as a border line.The children( twins boys 5, daughter 8) are messed up. we have joint legal custody, i have a shitty parenting schedule as my attorney at the time sold me and the kids out. recently, we where in court, i would not sign a stip, giving away my rights to attend my childrens religous function, so she and her Attorney( who is the bottom of bottom feeders) had me arrested again.

    My life is a mess, financially, ready for bankruptcy, emotionally drained, my buisness is falling apart, still living with my parents ( yes it sucks). just done…Miss my kids on a daily basis, dont have any of my personal items. This is just not the life i signed up for.

    please offer something!!!

    Paul

  21. Larry Milton says:

    Hi Paul,

    Thats a heartbreaking story man. I really feel for you and do not get me started on lawyers either!

    All I can say at this point is that you have reached the point where your old life has been completely stripped away never to return. This is certainly something that causes grief and needs to be mourned for a time. It can also be liberating if you choose it to be because you are now starting on a new path. The more you try to get what you had back, the more it will slip away because we can never go back – we can only go forwards and reinvent ourselves for a new phase of life.

    Does this help your financial situation, your loss of your kids, the emotional turmoil? It will not yet no. I do not say what I said above flippantly because its damned hard work recovering from a messy divorce – but it is NOT the end.

    That is all I can offer. Hope. A light at the end of the tunnel. You are going to go on a journey that will shape who you are for the rest of your life basically and while some things are out of your control – YOU can still choose how you manage it and who you will be once you have been reforged through this torment.

    Some come out bitter and defeated and continue to poison their life – others find a new core of strength and find a new way to live and leave the hatred, anger and depression behind.

    This is our choice, this is your choice. It will not bring your kids back or stop your ex wife being insane. It will not give you money, but the attitude you carry with you will improve all of these things if you choose it to.

    Hang in there Paul – there are so many men out there who know what you are going through and are wishing you the best – remember to reach out.

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